What I learned about myself, life and God from my son on the autistic spectrum: Part 1

Autism by 1 footonthedawn(deviantart.com)

I remember vividly standing in the backyard of the parsonage in Blanchardville, Wisconsin the day we finally received my son’s diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified) and yelling at God, “What more do you want from me, I’ve followed you to seminary, I’m trying to do what you tell me to do, what more do you want?” For those who are not as familiar with the landscape of the autistic spectrum this is one of the diagnoses within the spectrum that falls under the autism umbrella. That was ten years ago, my son was four at that point and my ex-wife were pouring our time and effort into my son and his newborn baby sister, trying to make ends meet and get him the therapy he needed while in seminary and on internship prior to my ordination in 2004. At that point in my life I was dealing with too many broken dreams to see the gift that Aren has become, but now ten years later I realize how much he has taught me about love, being human and in a strange way I have learned to see God in a different light through these experiences.

1. Broken dreams do not necessarily mean a broken relationship. As I stood there yelling at God, I was in the process of mourning a broken set of dreams and expectations for my son. We all have a set of expectations for our children, that in some ways they will follow in our footsteps and make us proud. Prior to going into the ministry I had graduated from the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M and then served for four and a half years as an officer in the military. Aren was born while I was stationed at Ft. Polk, Louisiana and as a proud father I dreamed of one day seeing my son put on his senior boots at Texas A&M. It had been such a rich and formative opportunity for me at that stage in my life and I wanted the same for him, and that was one of the dreams that laid there on the floor shattered that day. I never stopped loving and caring for my son, even in the midst of his worst temper tantrums at that stage, or at the moments where I couldn’t understand how or why his speech wasn’t developing like most children’s speech just naturally did. Yet, somehow that dream for him had to die so that I could accept him where he was. Ten years later, as my son is on the threshold of entering high school, I am very proud of him for who he is. Even though he is incredibly smart and very well behaved and will probably do very well with his life there are still times where I watch his peers and grieve a little because there are things that I just can’t share with him because they are not important to him. Over the last ten years I have come to know more about Thomas the Tank Engine, Spongebob Squarepants, Fairly Odd Parents, Phineas and Ferb and countless other cartoons as he has recited to me entire episodes (which I have already seen anyways), I have become the subject matter expert on dinosaurs, sea creatures, space exploration, monsters and mythology and the latest video game on the Wii or DS or PS3. These are the places I can meet him and see what brings him joy, and so I learn about things that may not be of great interest to me, because I value my son and I want him to know that he is loved and valued.

2. Relationships do not have to be reciprocal. Every parental relationship starts with the parents pouring love into their children when they are born. At the earliest stages of life children are not able to reciprocate the love and emotion and nurturing that their parents pour into them, but as children develop there is the expectation that there will be a reciprocation of the love they have received. It is not that autistic children do not love, or even that they do not express love, but they are not hardwired to provide the love and feedback in the same way that most children will. It doesn’t mean that their parents love them less—in fact most parents of autistic children have invested more in their children to try to set them up for success even without the reward of the hugs and kisses that other children begin to give. As I have tried to learn, as best I can, to see the world through my sons eyes and to attempt to understand things the way he might. I have learned to love him for who he is and to value the ways in which he is able to express his affection. He will always be my son, and that relationship is not dependent on any reciprocity. It reminds me of the baptism service which end with the child (or adult) is marked with oil and the words of promise are “name, child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever.” Parents and even God may desire reciprocity in their relationship with their children, but the relationship is not contingent on that reciprocity. We are who we are by the relationship because by birth or by adoption we have been joined to be a part of a family and we will be valued for who we are.

More to Come…

Rhetorical Overkill: Jeremiah 2: 20-37

1 Reply

Apophysis-Betrayal (1footonthedawn at deviantart.com)

Jeremiah 2: 20-37
20 For long ago you broke your yoke
and burst your bonds, and you said, “I will not serve!”
On every high hill and under every green tree
you sprawled and played the whore.
21 Yet I planted you as a choice vine, from the purest stock.
How then did you turn degenerate and become a wild vine?
22 Though you wash yourself with lye and use much soap,
the stain of your guilt is still before me,
says the Lord GOD.
23 How can you say, “I am not defiled, I have not gone after the Baals”?
Look at your way in the valley; know what you have done—
a restive young camel interlacing her tracks,
24 a wild ass at home in the wilderness, in her heat sniffing the wind!
Who can restrain her lust?
None who seek her need weary themselves; in her month they will find her.
25 Keep your feet from going unshod and your throat from thirst.
But you said, “It is hopeless, for I have loved strangers,
and after them I will go.”
26 As a thief is shamed when caught, so the house of Israel shall be shamed—
they, their kings, their officials, their priests, and their prophets,
27 who say to a tree, “You are my father,” and to a stone, “You gave me birth.”
For they have turned their backs to me, and not their faces.
But in the time of their trouble they say,
“Come and save us!”
28 But where are your gods that you made for yourself?
Let them come, if they can save you, in your time of trouble;
for you have as many gods as you have towns, O Judah.
29 Why do you complain against me?
You have all rebelled against me, says the LORD.
30 In vain I have struck down your children; they accepted no correction.
Your own sword devoured your prophets like a ravening lion.
31 And you, O generation, behold the word of the LORD!
Have I been a wilderness to Israel, or a land of thick darkness?
Why then do my people say, “We are free, we will come to you no more”?
32 Can a girl forget her ornaments, or a bride her attire?
Yet my people have forgotten me, days without number.
33 How well you direct your course to seek lovers!
So that even to wicked women you have taught your ways.
34 Also on your skirts is found the lifeblood of the innocent poor,
though you did not catch them breaking in.
Yet in spite of all these things
35 you say, “I am innocent; surely his anger has turned from me.”
Now I am bringing you to judgment for saying, “I have not sinned.”
36 How lightly you gad about, changing your ways!
You shall be put to shame by Egypt as you were put to shame by Assyria.
37 From there also you will come away with your hands on your head;
for the LORD has rejected those in whom you trust, and you will not prosper through them.

One of the things you will see if you spend much time with the prophets is what I and others have called rhetorical overkill. Not only is the person unfaithful, but they are having sex under every green tree, they are like a wild ass in heat, etc….that is the language and it is what it is. You can try to explain it away, you can say it is a metaphor, you might find it offensive, it might work differently in different cultures, but it is using figurative language to express the depth of pain of the betrayed by the betrayer. In this case God is the betrayed one and out of the language of God’s pain comes this set of metaphors shifting from sexual to agricultural and back to sexual to cultic and legal and back to sexual. This is the language of a person in pain trying to make sense of how their view of a person could be so different from the reality. What is the offense that caused this level of pain and disillusionment? Two are lifted up in this section: idolatry and injustice.
Idolatry may constitute a whole range of things from people at this time going out and doing practices which honor other gods, conducting worship of other nations gods, conducting practices which are not approved by God or they may not be worshipping God correctly (away from the temple in Jerusalem or it may be worship without justice). Somehow there has been a distortion of the vision that God had for God’s people. Injustice is lifted up when the prophet says : 34 Also on your skirts is found the lifeblood of the innocent poor, though you did not catch them breaking in. Justice in the ancient world, even more than in the modern world, often depended upon one’s social standing, wealth and power more than any modern understanding of guilt or innocence, and yet this was not the society that the Lord envisioned.
The vine and vineyard image is one that recurs several times throughout scriptures because the vine was one of the most important and common agricultural images. In Isaiah 5, Isaiah morns of a vineyard that the vineyard’s owner did everything for and yet it does not produce, in Mark 12: 1-10 and parallels the image is once again brought up with a vineyard and unfaithful tenants and here in Jeremiah it is a choice vine which goes wild. People would have understood the agricultural imagery because this was an agrarian society.
One additional thing to consider is that we have a theological interpretation of reality going on, which we should expect from the prophets. This is not the world of power politics which the kings and princes are dealing with, they are trying to appease Assyria and Egypt, the powers that could conceivably invade and conquer Judah and they are attempting to maintain security through political alliances, military power and economic policy. Judah is a very desirable piece of property because it is at the trade crossroads between Assyria, Babylon, Persian and the far East and Egypt and Northern Africa and as N.T. Wright notes over the course of its history of 4,000 years on average every 40 years another army will march in or through it. (Wright 1992, 3) The prophets, kings and people are all looking at different strategies of survival and security. Security becomes the most important thing, more important than justice, more important than God, more important than freedom.
Security is perhaps the greatest idol that many in America face. We want to ensure that we have enough for ourselves at the exclusion of a societal concern for others and this runs headlong in contrast with the prophet’s and by extension God’s vision of shalom and justice. While many would read these words and be immediately drawn to condemn personal immorality as a method of societal corruption the prophet reverses this societal corruption, the loss of justice and trust in God’s way, is pointed to using a rhetorically inflated image of personal immorality where the woman in this image represents Judah.

The Wounded God: Jeremiah 2: 1-19

5 Replies

Apophysis-Betrayal (1footonthedawn at deviantart.com)

Jeremiah 2: 1-19

The word of the LORD came to me, saying: 2 Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem, Thus says the LORD:
I remember the devotion of your youth,
your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness,
in a land not sown.
3 Israel was holy to the LORD,
the first fruits of his harvest.
All who ate of it were held guilty;
disaster came upon them,
says the LORD.
4 Hear the word of the LORD, O house of Jacob, and all the families of the house of Israel. 5 Thus says the LORD:
What wrong did your ancestors find in me
that they went far from me,
and went after worthless things, and became worthless themselves?
6 They did not say, “Where is the LORD
who brought us up from the land of Egypt,
who led us in the wilderness,
in a land of deserts and pits,
in a land of drought and deep darkness,
in a land that no one passes through,
where no one lives?”
7 I brought you into a plentiful land
to eat its fruits and its good things.
But when you entered you defiled my land,
and made my heritage an abomination.
8 The priests did not say, “Where is the LORD?”
Those who handle the law did not know me;
the rulers transgressed against me;
the prophets prophesied by Baal,
and went after things that do not profit.
9 Therefore once more I accuse you,
says the LORD,
and I accuse your children’s children.
10 Cross to the coasts of Cyprus and look,
send to Kedar and examine with care;
see if there has ever been such a thing.
11 Has a nation changed its gods,
even though they are no gods?
But my people have changed their glory
for something that does not profit.
12 Be appalled, O heavens, at this,
be shocked, be utterly desolate,
says the LORD,
13 for my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken me,
the fountain of living water,
and dug out cisterns for themselves,
cracked cisterns
that can hold no water.
14 Is Israel a slave? Is he a homeborn servant?
Why then has he become plunder?
15 The lions have roared against him,
they have roared loudly.
They have made his land a waste;
his cities are in ruins, without inhabitant.
16 Moreover, the people of Memphis and Tahpanhes
have broken the crown of your head.
17 Have you not brought this upon yourself
by forsaking the LORD your God,
while he led you in the way?
18 What then do you gain by going to Egypt,
to drink the waters of the Nile?
Or what do you gain by going to Assyria,
to drink the waters of the Euphrates?
19 Your wickedness will punish you,
and your apostasies will convict you.
Know and see that it is evil and bitter
for you to forsake the LORD your God;
the fear of me is not in you,
says the Lord GOD of hosts.

Can it hurt to be God? For many people their image of God is shaped more by stoicism and philosophy than the picture of God we find in the Bible. This is not a new thing, it was a consequence of the church entering into the Greek speaking and thinking world right at the very beginning of its life where in Greek thought (where stoicism comes from) the ideal person (and thus God) is not swayed by emotions, but is instead logical and rational. God being the unmoved mover who created the world would not be motivated by pleasure, joy or even love and conversely would not get angry, hurt, wounded, or really feel much of anything. Ultimately this is the picture of an apathetic God (apathy is the opposite of pathos, the ability to suffer, a-pathos) but it in no way reflects the God we encounter anywhere in scriptures. I remember Duane Larson, who was president at Wartburg Theological Seminary while I was there, stating, “We have a pathetic God”, we have a God who can feel, who does suffer and so yes, it can hurt to be God. An openness to the pain of rejection and loss are the risks of love.
Now I also approach this from the perspective of having gone through a divorce, and so I hear very clearly in the midst of this the language of a heartbroken God trying to make sense of a relationship that is broken. “What did I do wrong? I gave you everything you asked for…I did this, I did that, look around, what makes you think this an acceptable way to treat your partner…” There is a romanticizing of the past, “I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness…” Really, is this the same people who remember this journey in Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy…at least the way that memory is recorded they are hardly paragons of faithfulness and trust. It is like the person who exhibits all types of relational issues during dating and early in a marriage and then when the relationship is broken the other partner looks back and overlooks all those red flags and initially remembers that time better than what it was. God in effect says, “I provided for you, I protected you, I gave you the place you always wanted, what more could I give?” To quote Jeremiah “What wrong did your ancestors find in me that they went far from me?” (vs. 5). The priests, interpreters of the law and the prophets, those who are charged with honoring and pointing to this relationship have turned away as well. The honeymoon is over and the relationship is broken, distorted and in serious jeopardy. God is still reaching out, but Judah and Jerusalem are not.
God tells them go to the east (Kedar) and the west (Cyprus) and you won’t find others doing this, even when their partners aren’t able to give the things that God has given. They don’t change their gods, but Israel has. They have also looked to the powers of the day: Assyria and Egypt-they look at the power in the North and the power in the South and through playing politics they try to ensure their survival. In one sense it is a very rational move, to negotiate with the superpowers of the day who Judah finds itself geographically caught between. But they have put their trust in the way things are rather than the God who has made new things occur in the past.
Adam C. Welch makes the following suggestion:
There was no cause (for other nations) to forsake such gods, because It involved so little to follow them. …The iron core was that Israel could only have Yahweh of His own terms…Yahwism was no colorless faith which was simply the expression of the people’s pride in itself and its destiny. It laid a curb on men, it had a yoke and bonds. The bonds were those of love, but love’s bonds are the most enduring and the most exacting.
Israel’s central command from Deuteronomy 6:5 “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might”perhaps is the most difficult commandment to keep. (Breuggemann 1998, 36)

God’s vision of shalom (harmony and peace) and justice were much different from the world around the people of Judah, and so even though I can easily see myself in the shoes of the people who Jeremiah is addressing, I can also understand the brokenhearted God who longs for this people to return, to come home, to live in the covenant and blessing he desires for them. The road of reconciliation ahead, if it is to happen will be a difficult one, and it will require hard words to get past the devastated feelings. It will take the relationship, as it is, dying if there is to be a chance for rebirth. We will not get there quickly, there is hard work that is required by both partners, but God’s woundedness has left the door open.

Empty Wells: A Poem

Leave a reply

When the wells of the soul run dry
From watering and nourishing the fruit of the vine
In the middle of the wilderness
Do we accept that drought is a part of life
That every day, every season, every year cannot produce a bumper crop
Do we migrate to new watering holes, abandoning the old vines
Seeking fertile pastures with abundant water
Do we drill deeper into the will and the spirit trying to wrest from the barren ground
Some new spiritual spring hidden deep within, some reserve that may or may not be there
Digging deeper so that we may truly exhaust the waters of life
Or do we pray for rain?

Neil White 2013

The Calling: Jeremiah 1

6 Replies

Jeremiah by James Tissot

Jeremiah 1

   The words of Jeremiah son of Hilkiah, of the priests who were in Anathoth in the land of Benjamin, ² to whom the word of the LORD came in the days of King Josiah son of Amon of Judah, in the thirteenth year of his reign. ³ It came also in the days of King Jehoiakim son of Josiah of Judah, and until the end of the eleventh year of King Zedekiah son of Josiah of Judah, until the captivity of Jerusalem in the fifth month.
⁴ Now the word of the LORD came to me saying,
⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
⁶    Then I said, “Ah, Lord GOD! Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a boy.” ⁷ But the LORD said to me,
“Do not say, ‘I am only a boy’;
for you shall go to all to whom I send you,
and you shall speak whatever I command you.
⁸ Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.”
⁹ Then the LORD put out his hand and touched my mouth; and the LORD said to me, “Now I have put my words in your mouth.
¹⁰ See, today I appoint you over nations and over kingdoms,
to pluck up and to pull down,
to destroy and to overthrow,
to build and to plant.”
     ¹¹ The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Jeremiah, what do you see?” And I said, “I see a branch of an almond tree.” ¹² Then the LORD said to me, “You have seen well, for I am watching over my word to perform it.” ¹³ The word of the LORD came to me a second time, saying, “What do you see?” And I said, “I see a boiling pot, tilted away from the north.”
    ¹⁴ Then the LORD said to me: Out of the north disaster shall break out on all the inhabitants of the land.¹⁵ For now I am calling all the tribes of the kingdoms of the north, says the LORD; and they shall come and all of them shall set their thrones at the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem, against all its surrounding walls and against all the cities of Judah. ¹⁶ And I will utter my judgments against them, for all their wickedness in forsaking me; they have made offerings to other gods, and worshiped the works of their own hands. ¹⁷ But you, gird up your loins; stand up and tell them everything that I command you. Do not break down before them, or I will break you before them. ¹⁸ And I for my part have made you today a fortified city, an iron pillar, and a bronze wall, against the whole land– against the kings of Judah, its princes, its priests, and the people of the land. ¹⁹ They will fight against you; but they shall not prevail against you, for I am with you, says the LORD, to deliver you.

Why would anyone want to be a prophet? I know, I’ve heard the young rebels I know who want to ‘speak truth to power’ but the reality is that the prophet is not an easy role. To use Richard Lischer’s words, “The prophet’s voice is usually about an octave too high for the rest of society.” (Lischer 2005, 23) And while there may be moments of anger for the prophet they are caught between God and a people and often they feel abused by both sides. They are the messengers of God at a time when it is all to common to shoot the messenger, they are the bearers of the news that nobody wants to hear. They love their people dearly even when they are abused by them, and while there may be moments of anger, that is not their dominant emotion. Following Lischer again: “…the emotion most characteristic of the prophet is not anger but sorrow. He tells the truth but rarely in bitterness of spirit and never with contempt for the Other. His truth-telling is pervaded by a sense of tragedy.” (Lischer 2005, 161) As we journey with Jeremiah we will experience that tragedy, the sorrow, the frustration and the honest emotions he feels as he is caught between God and the people of God.

Let us begin with his calling: Jeremiah starts out as a priest, one of the literate elite in the time leading up to crisis. He will serve for a prophet as a long time, and will suffer much and it is not a life he chose, but rather a life that was chosen for him:

⁴ Now the word of the LORD came to me saying,
⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

God is the actor, Jeremiah is acted upon. God makes the choice, God has made Jeremiah who he is for this role, to be a mouthpiece. Jeremiah doesn’t ask for this, doesn’t want this and like every other prophet I can think of tries to talk God out of this: I don’t know how to speak, for I am only a boy. Like Moses who didn’t know how to speak, and he is not the type of youth who thinks he knows it all but rather is all too aware of his unworthiness and weaknesses-and yet he is chosen and he begins the road that is laid out before him.

Back in the 1980s one of my favorite bands was a heavy metal group, Queensrÿche, and one of their songs The Road to Madness is perhaps helpful at this point:

Most of this is memory now
I’ve gone too far to turn back now
I’m not quite what I thought I was but
Then again I’m maybe more
The blood-words promised, I’ve spoken
Releasing the names from the circle
Maybe I can leave here now and, o
Transcend the boundaries

For now I’m standing here
I’m awaiting this grand transition
The future is but past forgotten
On the road to madness

Times measure rusts as it crawls
I see its face in the looking glass – stop
This screaming laughter hides, the pain of its reality
Black, the door was locked I opened
And now I’ve paid that price ten-fold over
Knowledge – was it worth such torment, oh
To see the far side of shadow

And still I’m standing here
I’m awaiting this grand transition
I’m a fool in search of wisdom
And I’m on the road to madness
Yes, I’m on the road to madness

I’m awaiting endlessly
Pounding rhythms echo me
Won’t you take me somewhere far beyond the void

And still I’m standing here
I’m awaiting this grand transition
Maybe one day, oh I’ll meet you, and we’ll
Walk the roads to madness
Yes, we’re on the road to madness

Oh, I think they’ve come to take me
I hear the voice, but there’s no-one to see
I can’t scream, too late it’s time

As with this song, the actual meaning of the words may not be as important as what they convey-the sense of having and seeing things in a way that everyone else sees them opens the one seeing to a whole new world of pain, it is almost like Plato’s famous story in the Republic of the Cave where the person who has seen the world in a new way and returns home only to be apprehended and killed by those who are still in darkness. Being God’s mouthpiece is going to come at a high personal price for Jeremiah.

God has chosen, the prophet will pluck up and pull down, destroy and overthrow, build and plant. The prophet will bear the news that nobody wants to hear and he doesn’t have the choice to throw up his hands and give up. In the words of the song, the door that is locked is opened (and not by the prophet but from the other side, from God) and the prophet will pay the price ten fold over. Who the prophet is, why he was chosen is based on who God formed him to be—God has chosen his instrument for a difficult task and will continue to be with Jeremiah, but Jeremiah never has the ability to give up for it is either withstand priests and princes or be crushed by God?
But who is this God who puts prophets in such a difficult circumstance? Why make the chosen ones suffer so? And yet it is the way of the elect. A person is set aside not for their own benefit but for the benefit of others. The way we naturally want to think of election is that it is what makes a person separate and perhaps able to look down their righteous noses at others, election makes me or us special…but in scripture election, setting apart is always for the sake of the other. Israel is set apart to be a blessing to the nations (the world), the prophets are set apart to be a witness to either the covenant people or those outside the covenant. They are a part of what God is doing and the world, and it is not always easy. The suffer and grieve for those who will not or can not hear, they bear the weight of seeing all that is wrong even when they may not be able to fix it. They may indeed be close to the road to madness, and yet they are there not for their own sake, not for some secret knowledge…they are there because ultimately God loves God’s people (and by extension the world) so much that God will not let go and so God allows those who are drawn closest to suffer on their behalf so that they might see, know and return.

The world of Jeremiah, like our world is not as it should be. Most people accommodate and make their way as best they can with little reference to God or any other source of meaning outside what benefits themselves. The prophets, like Jeremiah, are drawn into the relationship with God and into God’s desire to re-establish the relationship and the idea of shalom (God’s peace or harmony in the world). They are drawn to the dream and they see the nightmare that most of the rest of us have grown accustomed to. It is like us watching a dystopic movie, like The Hunger Games for example, where reality is so dark and yet when we are honest we can see parts of our own society mirrored in that experience. In a very real sense, when everyone else sees things as running along OK the prophet will see through a dystopic lense of all the things that are really wrong and it is only in the midst of crisis that the prophetic hope of what a utopia might look like emerges and gives light and hope for the hard work of building that society of shalom and reconciliation. We are journeying towards the light, but we have a long way to go before the dawn and the road ahead will get darker on the prophet’s road.

Three Days- A Poem

1 Reply

Statue of Mary Magdalene in Mission Santa Monica

Three days has my master been gone
Three days since those he loved scattered
Three days since receiving his pierced and battered body
One final gift from the hands of our oppressors

Three days of mourning and preparations
Three days of weeping and working
Three days of trying to hold on to a man who is dead
The tomb awaits the payment of grief

The first day of the week has come
A time of new beginnings, of beginning anew
Yet I find myself walking towards the end, towards death itself
As I walk towards the gaping and devouring maw of the tomb

O tomb, you who could devour life itself
Who hold within you the remains of one who lifted a child from your jaws
One who denied you your prize, who snatched youth from your hands
Now perhaps you can laugh as you hold the one who denied you in your craw

Three days you have haunted me O death
Three days have I journeyed into your home
Three days have I tried to ward off your foul stench for this man’s sake
This man who made me a human and no longer a walking corpse

Three years did I journey with him,
Three years ago did he free me from the demons who tore at the corners of my mind
Three years of freedom and of being a human and not an object of shame
This man who I followed out of Magdala

Three days and I confront once again my fears
Do my demons lurk within this tomb?
Does my fragile self find itself destroyed by maw of death?
Yet, through my fear, for the memory of this true person I defy you.

Three of us walk together, three women, three lost ones
Three and yet incomplete without the one who lies behind the immovable rock
Three unable to pry open the jaws of the grave to snatch his life out of it
Uneasy, uncertain we walk towards the heart of the earth

Yet, as we approach you in the cold dawning of the day your mouth lies open
What has happened, have our oppressors taken away the one last gift we had
Have they shamed him even more, have they taken away our wrestling with death
Can we stand at the gaping maw of death without his presence?
Yet within the tomb sits a young man, a man in white
In the darkness, in the midst of death, youth that will not die sits
Our search ends with his puzzling message,
Our search begins with words that cannot breach our deadened senses
“Fear not, the one you seek is not here, he has gone ahead of you”

Fear not, and yet fear—a fear greater even than my fear of death overwhelms me
Who is this sitting here, who was the Jesus who lay here, what is he?
Is this the first day of a new creation, or is this truly the end?
How do I go home, how can I move, how can I tell his shattered disciples this?

Could I bear the rebuke of being a foolish woman whose dreams are shattered again?
Could I turn back home and tell what I’ve seen, do I even believe it myself?
Could I make the journey back to Galilee and wait for the Lord who lay in the tomb three days?
Or does fear reign in my body and in Mary and in Salome?

O tomb I taunted you, O death I defied you, but you I knew.
But now you stand open while my mouth is sealed shut
I feared your presence while you contained my Lord, now I cannot stand in your presence at all
Fear, confusion, amazement, wonder, silence
I run away

Perhaps the day will come when the stone over my own mouth is rolled away
Perhaps it too will take three days, or three months or three years
Perhaps it will take me finding the Lord who has been spirited away
“Fear not…he has gone ahead of you.”

Daddy’s Girl

Leave a reply

Together We Fly by Treekami at deviantart.com

May dolphins and dragons dance through your dreams
And faeries, pixies and sprites inhabit your imagination
Let the magic linger and play in the springtime of your life
Sing and dance and play and let the world look on in envy

You will always be my little girl, you will always be loved
You will always be precious, you will always have a place in my heart
So go out into the world an taste the bounty of joy that I hope waits for you
Know that pain makes the joy sweeter
And that laughter and tears may flow in good times and bad
And no matter what happens along the journey
You will always be welcome in your father’s arms

The greatest gift you can give the world is being you
So don’t let anyone tell you what you can or cannot be
Often the tougher path is worth the journey
And embrace love and joy were it is found–even when it doesn’t last forever

For as long as I live you will always be daddy’s girl

For my daughter on her birthday

Stay Here and Keep Watch-A Poetic Meditation for Good Friday

1 Reply

Andrew Mantegne’s Agony in the Garden

Stay here for just a moment and keep watch in the garden.
Where love is betrayed and where friends are spared
Where a beloved one brings soldiers and temple police
Where love endures and does not shirk away from the consequences of loving the loveless
Where swords are sheathed and wounds are healed
Where the healer is treated as the rebel, the lover as a bandit
Where the evening of violence has its say, yet even strong men seem reluctant to place the one claiming
“I am he” in chains
Stay here and watch as love comes down the mountain so that others may go free

Michelangelo Merisis da Carvaggio, The Denial of Saint Peter

Stay here for just a moment and keep watch in the courtyard
Where love is betrayed and friends are spared
Where a beloved one stands around a charcoal fire
Attempting to hold fast to the love that has been taken away by the loveless
Where a sheathed sword goes with a wounded soul
Where the one named rock becomes broken, the faithful one becomes faithless
Where the evening of violence has its say and even the rock seems unable to remain strong
“I am not” he claims
Stay here and watch as strength fails and confidence flees in the cold night

Jesus en casa de Anas by Jose de Madrazo Agudo

Stay here for just a moment and keep watch in the household of Caiphas
Where love is betrayed and the a people is spared
“For it is better for one person to die for the people”
As the cannibalistic logic of human sacrifice gives up on love for the sake of security
Where love is bound and struck across the face
Where hatred is sharpened on the grindstone of fear
The evening of violence with his own question, “Are you the son of God?”
“You say that I am”
Stay here and watch as testimony is transformed into terror

Mihaly Munkasy, Christ Before Pilate

Stay here for just a moment and keep watch in the courtyard of Pilate
Where love is betrayed and an empire watches
When the leaders of the chosen nation bow down before the eagle of Rome
Where uncleanness is avoided at the cost of corruption
Where charges become spears and accusations become daggers
Where love is turned criminal and might makes right
Where the morning of violence makes its accusations
Silence is the only answer
Stay here and watch as the crowd becomes a mob

Matthias Storm, Christ Crowned with Thorns

Stay here for just a moment and keep watch in the headquarters of the occupying army
Where love is betrayed as the legion mocks
Where purple is used to mock and crowns are made of thorns
Where mercy looks like beating and justice a cat of nine tails
Where titles of honor become mockeries of disdain
Where spears and swords are the real power
Where a violence owns the day and power shapes reality asking
“What is truth?”
Stay here and watch as the love is abused by power

Hieronymus Bosch, Christ Carrying the Cross

Stay here just for a moment and keep watch in the midst of the mob
Where love is betrayed and hatred is fueled by fear
Where a people turn from the dream of hope to the certainty of death
Where the fires of anger are stoked by the desperation for someone to blame
Where mercy and justice corrode in the illusive certainty of self-deception
Where words are more deadly than swords, a mob more dangerous than an army
The morning of violence passes its sentence
“Crucify, Crucify”
Stay here and watch as truth is the casualty of fear

Antonio Ciseri, Ecce Homo (Behold the Man)

Stay here just a moment and keep watch at Gabbatha, the stone pavement
Where justice is consumed by the gaping jaws of blind rage
Where the people betray their own identity to become the servants of violence
Where love endures and does not shirk away from the consequences of loving the loveless
Where rage demands the life of the innocent and freedom for the bandit
Where the wages of love are death and cost of healing is execution
The morning of violence cries out its judgment
“Crucify, crucify.”
Stay here and watch as the horror presses on unstoppable

White Crucifixion, Marc Chagall

Stay here just a moment and keep watch at Golgatha, the place of the skull
Where love is killed and the world stops
Where darkness rules in the midst of the day
Where nails and spears deny love the air it needs to breath
Where the King of the Jews becomes the slave of the cross
Where justice and mercy are traded for death
The afternoon of violence has had its say and love utters its final words
“It is finished”
Stay here and watch as it is finished but not complete

Garden Tomb considered by some to be the site of the burial and resurrection

Stay here just for a moment and keep watch in the garden
Where love is laid in a tomb and the beloved ones weep
Where hope seems lost and violence seems to be truth
Where the crucified one is placed in a tomb
Where the world enters into the silence of Sabbath without its Lord
Where everything stops and death has its word
The silence of Sabbath and the closed lips of the tomb utter
“It is finished”
Stay here and watch until the certainty of death and darkness, violence and power, rage and fear have their say

The Resurrection of Christ by Piero della Francesca

Stay here just a moment longer and keep watch on this night and one night more
Where we wait for the day when truth is reborn
Where love triumphs over hatred
Where peace wins over violence
Where life is liberated from death
When the silence of Sabbath gives way to the beginning of new creation
And the voices of the grieving proclaim
“He is risen”
Stay here and watch knowing that resurrection is coming

Golgotha

2 Replies

White Crucifixion, Marc Chagall

Alone, life is over,
Those whom I ask to wait for me enter into sleep
A sleep deeper than death itself
Seconds creep by, minutes last for years
As I wait for my Father to answer me
Yet no answer comes.

Life, truly lived in God blessed abundance
Good friends, those who love me and whom I love
Those who would drink my cup, those who would share my bread
And yet for them I am alone waiting on the Father
Yet no answer comes.

Love, freely given and rarely returned
The religious mock me and the educated despise me
A few closer than brothers and sisters I have drawn near
Yet the same God brings love and separation
So still I sit alone and await an answer from the Father
Yet no answer comes.

Torment, yet it is the cup I choose
I could allow this cup to pass; yet I drink it to the dregs
I take on the curse so others might have a blessing
For those who curse me and those I have drawn near
I sit alone, the answer from the Father
I am the answer.

Betrayal, a brother draws near
With a kiss comes a wound deeper than any sword or spear
One who shared my bread rends my heart in two
I stand surrounded, forsaken by the Father
I am the answer for Judas.

Abandoned, every brother and sister scattered
For the fear of death my name forgotten and denied
All whom I opened myself to now flee as I sit on the altar
Accused, Spat upon, Beaten, a lamb for slaughter
I am the answer for the scattered.

Hated, I bear the weight of Jerusalem
An earthly kingdom I would not claim, so a thief’s death they select
Nothing did I take, only love did I give
Yet in my love I uncovered hatred so dark that hell could not contain it
Marked, Broken, Despised, a Scapegoat
I am the answer for a conquered people.

Disregarded, shown contempt as a peasant
I do not even merit the time of the procurator, only the fervor of the city’s hatred
Places me as King of the Jews before the vassal of Caesar
The power to judge I could wield, yet instead to earthly power I yield
I become the crucified one for the Romans
I am the answer for the empire.

Hung on the mountain, exposed to the world
I bear witness to a kingdom present given my form
I stake my claim as I gasp for air in the God forsakenness of Golgotha
I bear the rebellion of humanity waging war against the Creator
I am love hung on a cross for the world, the embrace of the Father
I am the answer for all creation.

I hang on the cross today bearing the sins of a world come of age
Aging but still turned inward on itself, consuming its own flesh
A world that may know my name, but has forgotten who I am
A world who no longer needs me, but is intent on saving itself at the cost of its own life
Creation is smothered and the oppressed are crushed
The powerful are caught in their paranoia and fathers disown their children
Wives seek other lovers and leaders devour their followers
The blood of the earth cries out for vindication, the desecrated heavens shout for judgement
Yet here I hang, the lamb, the scapegoat, the crucified one, love it self
Forsaken for the world’s sake, and yet I am
I am the answer for the world
Does anyone question anymore?

Composed Neil White, 2013

Updated from a poem originally written in 2002

At the Table- A Meditation and Poem for Maundy Thursday

Leave a reply

The Last Supper by Pascal Adolphe Dagnan-Bouvret

At the table with the others who will stumble and fall
Here with the one who touched us each in our turn
Healing our sickness, dispelling our demons, freeing us from our captivity
At least for the moment we are reclining at the table, a part of the feast
With Peter and John and James, Mary Magdalene and Martha and Lazarus
With saints of all ages and times and sinners from far and near
On this night we are there with them sharing in the feast of deliverance
From slave to liberation, from outsider to insider
No titles, no ranks, no stations or wealth matter here
For at the table this night we are all guests of the Lord
Bound together by his love

On this night we call Maundy, we receive the mandate
A call to love as we have been loved
To serve as we have been served
To make others clean as we have been made clean
Though we may deny and betray the Lord who joins us together
With our words
With our actions
With our hatred
With our exclusion
With our prejudice
With our pride
With our clinging to the old order rather than seeking God’s kingdom
With our addictions to power and wealth and privilege
With our own self-righteousness
Like Judas we may value money over God’s dream
Like Peter we may not be able to see how a master can serve
Or perhaps in our attempts to follow in his tracks we will deny we know him
Before the cock crows in the morn
We come with all the others, as unexpected and unworthy guests of the Lord of love
Receiving forgiveness and mercy, his prayers and his love
Tonight we are a part of the gathering of the feast that is to come in the kingdom

Though we know the story, we know these things, we know to love
And we are blessed to be called to do them
To wash feet
To share a meal
To extend forgiveness
To love as we have been loved
To remember again the story that shapes our lives
And to come again to the table to share in the gifts of grace
We are called and gathered here as one
No longer separated as
men and women
slave and free,
Jew and Gentile,
Righteous and unrighteous
Saint and sinner
Lord and servant
Rich and poor
Powerful and pariah
No here we are all beloved
Maybe we are God lovers,or seekers,or lost,or confused
Wondering how it is that we find ourselves here on this night
Yet here we are and once again we are
Washed and cleansed, yet needing to be washed again
Fed and yet not satisfied, with the foretaste until the feast itself comes
Made holy and yet still we may walk from this place labeled by others as a sinner
Forgiven and yet still not free from being led into temptation
And yet we are here at the table this night
As we are moved by God towards our liberation
We share bread and the cup
The bread of affliction is turned into a sampling of the kingdom of heaven
The cup of sorrow is transformed into the elixir of new life
As Christ offers himself to us again and meets us here at the table
As one who serves, so that we might learn to serve
As one who love, so that we might learn to love
As one who forgives, so that we might learn to forgive
As one who welcomes the stranger, as we might welcome the stranger
Shaped and formed by the practice of love to be those who can love one another
So that others may know whose we are
We are those who were here at the table
Invited and shaped by the loving Lord who hosts us this night

Composed Neil White 2013

Sign of the Rose

Searchings: Sacred and Secular

What I learned about myself, life and God from my son on the autistic spectrum: Part 1

Rhetorical Overkill: Jeremiah 2: 20-37

The Wounded God: Jeremiah 2: 1-19

Empty Wells: A Poem

The Calling: Jeremiah 1

Jeremiah 1

Three Days- A Poem

Daddy’s Girl

Stay Here and Keep Watch-A Poetic Meditation for Good Friday

Golgotha

At the Table- A Meditation and Poem for Maundy Thursday