Yearly Archives: 2016

Nostalgia

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Nostalgia: From Greek ‘nostos’-returning home + ‘algos’- pain

Memories can contain truth and still be a lie
And we can be homesick for a home that was never ours
Sometimes the picture of the past is painted in the brushstrokes of nostalgia
Wide strokes that blur the sharper points of reality, dulling the story
Concealing the jagged edges of pain, sorrow and regret
Choosing colors far more vibrant for the memory than the sepia past
Caught walking backwards on a road that continually pulls us forward
Oblivious to the pitfalls and potential of the present or the promise of the future
Bent on returning to a home far smaller than we imagine in our minds
And a past that never was, at least not quite the way we remember
For our memories can contain truth and still be a lie
 
When the memories of the past overwhelm our imagination for the future
Or our appreciation of the present, then our homecomings will always be sad
Freighted with the expectations that they can never live up to
Loaded with a past too heavy for the ambiguity of the present to stand
We can look into the mirror of our desires trying to create a better past
But perhaps instead of continuing to attempt to touch up the painting of the past
We can begin the new canvas that stands before us blank awaiting our brush

Neil White, 2016

Psalm 17- An Embodied Prayer

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Eye_iris

Psalm 17
<A Prayer of David.>
1 Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry; give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit.
2 From you let my vindication come; let your eyes see the right.
3 If you try my heart, if you visit me by night, if you test me,
   you will find no wickedness in me; my mouth does not transgress.
4 As for what others do, by the word of your lips I have avoided the ways of the violent.
5 My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
6 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me, hear my words.
7 Wondrously show your steadfast love,
   O savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.
8 Guard me as the apple of the eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings,
9 from the wicked who despoil me, my deadly enemies who surround me.
10 They close their hearts to pity; with their mouths they speak arrogantly.
11 They track me down; now they surround me; they set their eyes to cast me to the ground.
12 They are like a lion eager to tear, like a young lion lurking in ambush.
13 Rise up, O LORD, confront them, overthrow them!
    By your sword deliver my life from the wicked,
14 from mortals– by your hand, O LORD– from mortals whose portion in life is in this world.
    May their bellies be filled with what you have stored up for them;
    may their children have more than enough; may they leave something over to their little ones.
 15 As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
     when I awake I shall be satisfied, beholding your likeness.
 

I have been guilty at times of trying to restrict my faith to my mind and yet the great commandment from Deuteronomy 6: 5 involves not just the thinking part of our body but heart, soul and might. The Psalms involve the senses, the feelings, the gut, the senses of touch and smell, they sometimes come from the honest and visceral reactions to the struggles and stresses of the world the Psalmist lives in. The Psalms, like many songs, touch us in places other than the primarily rational and logical places of a systematic mind and perhaps that is why they can be so powerful. The Psalms, like many honest prayers, emerge out of an unsteady heart or the uneasy stomach and they may carry in them the bile of betrayal or the salt of sadness. The Psalms, like poetry, pay attention to the sensations, the feelings and the world around the poet and bring those into their relationship with their God who attends to their cries and gives ears to their prayers. The speak with the honesty from lips free of deceit in an embodied way because they are songs of the heart, prayers of the gut, and the poetry that brings to voice the perception of the senses. Read through this Psalm and notice the constant mention of the senses and body parts of the Psalmist, God, the enemy and the people. It is the embodied pray of an embodied faith.

The Psalmist’s walk of faith is that which treads the paths of righteousness, which avoids the ways of the violent and who does not follow the path of the wicked. Their faith is a journey of continually choosing the path spoken of by the LORD rather than the easier and more seductive ways of violence and lies, or acquisition and accumulation. Perhaps they are praying on their own or perhaps they are the leader of a faithful community attempting to live with justice in an unjust world. Their words and their walk are connected as they await their LORD’s answer and vindication. They have attempted to live a life congruous with their calling as the people of God and faithful to the covenant with the living LORD.

The contrast between their words, their ways and their actions and those of their adversaries is poetically striking. The enemy is deadly like a lion laying an ambush, their hearts are pitiless, their mouths speak boastful and arrogant words, they surround and despoil, their teeth tear and rend. They become the embodiment of wickedness, violence, injustice and in this they are transformed into predators who feed on the vulnerable. Psalm 17 fits well in this set of Psalms where the arrogant persecute the poor and boast of the designs of their heart (Psalm 10), and fit their arrow to shoot at the upright in heart (Psalm 11). Who utter lies and speak from a double heart (Psalm 12) and who believe they will be able to say they have prevailed over the righteous (Psalm 13). Who say in their heart, “There is no God.” (Psalm 14).

The Psalmist can believe that they are the ones who may abide in the LORD’s tent and dwell on the LORD’s hill (Psalm 15) because their faith is embodied in their actions and words towards their neighbors. They can trust in the midst of all the other gods they could put their trust in that the LORD is their portion and cup (Psalm 16). That God will see and hear and respond. That God views them as the apple of the eye and hides them in the shadow of the LORD’s wings. The LORD will turn things around where the wicked will stumble and the righteous will rise. The bellies of the righteous will be filled with good things, their children will not know the hunger they are knowing, and their eyes shall see the glory of their LORD.

Sometimes we modern people have forgotten that we do not merely ‘think and so we are,’ but rather we are feeling beings who sometimes think as well. Our bodies, all of them are a part of our life of faith. Even Lutherans, like myself, who are so famous for our unemotional and detached rationality can remember with our namesake that “God has given me and still preserves my body and soul: eyes, ears, and all limbs and senses; reason and all mental faculties. In addition, God daily provides shoes and clothing, food and drink, house and home, spouse and children, field and livestock, and all property—along with all the necessities and nourishment for this body and life.” (Luther, 1978, p. 25) Perhaps, we too can learn from these embodied psalms to appreciate the way that faith uses more than just reason and mental faculties but body and soul, eyes, ears and all limbs and senses.

Psalm 16- Remaining Faithful in a Pluralistic Setting

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Giovanni Francesco Barberi (il Guercino), King David (1651)

Giovanni Francesco Barberi (il Guercino), King David (1651)

Psalm 16

<A Miktam of David.>
1 Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the holy ones in the land, they are the noble, in whom is all my delight.
4 Those who choose another god multiply their sorrows;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names upon my lips.
5 The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage.
7 I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure.
10 For you do not give me up to Sheol, or let your faithful one see the Pit.
11 You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy;
 in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
 
When I was growing up I assumed that the world of the Hebrew Scriptures (or the Old Testament) which was written to the people of Israel and Judah was a world that was as monolithic as I assumed things were growing up in my own childhood. Just because everyone I knew growing up was associated with a Christian church and I think the church was still, at least the Lutheran churches I grew up within, operating out of a Christendom concept where everyone at least had a church that they belonged to (even if they didn’t regularly or ever attend). I was wrong about the world that I grew up in and I was wrong about the Hebrew Scriptures. Perhaps being a pastor I have a heightened awareness to the other things that have placed their claims upon people’s lives and I do believe that the church is losing the privileged place it once held in society. There are so many competing voices that the church deals with (and perhaps the church has always dealt with) and I know I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can address the questions that are a part of our world while remaining faithful to the core ideas of my faith.

In Psalm 16 the Psalmist is attempting to remain faithful in the midst of an atmosphere that has several religious choices. The Psalm itself may be from a priest or from David (as its it is attributed to) but in their attempts at faithfulness they feel isolated. The holy ones of the land, presumably those who are remaining faithful, seem to be in conflict with those who are either turning away to other religious options or who are trying to blend together the worship of the LORD with gods like Baal and Asherah (treating the LORD as one among many). Perhaps the Psalmist is trying to distinguish between himself and the others who are willing to present offerings to other gods and take their names upon their lips. The Psalmist in their gut (in verse seven where it speaks in the NRSV translation of my heart instructs me this is literally my kidneys, the guts-where feelings come from in Hebrew thought) knows that what they are doing is right, but it may be unpopular. The more I spend time with the Hebrew Scriptures, the more I realize that there were few, if any, times where the people exclusively worshipped the LORD.

In our own day we too have to struggle with how to remain faithful in a pluralistic world, where many of the other messages may not be associated with another religion but instead may be reflective of the consumeristic society, the allegiance to states, various political ideologies or the continued pressures of a society where entertainment and sports occupy a huge amount of the public’s loyalty. None of these are bad things but they are penultimate (less that ultimate, secondary things). There are many things that may demand our tribute, our own blood offerings. Yet, I think the challenge in this and every age is to trust in the LORD, to know in one’s gut that one’s faith in the LORD is well placed, and even in the midst of other alternatives to let our heart be glad, our soul rejoice and our body secure in the portion that the LORD has allotted to us.

Psalm 15- Entering the Sacred Presence of God

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The Temple by Radojavor@deviantart.com

The Temple by Radojavor@deviantart.com

Psalm 15

 <A Psalm of David.>
1 O LORD, who may abide in your tent? Who may dwell on your holy hill?
2 Those who walk blamelessly, and do what is right, and speak the truth from their heart;
3 who do not slander with their tongue, and do no evil to their friends,
  nor take up a reproach against their neighbors;
4 in whose eyes the wicked are despised, but who honor those who fear the LORD;
  who stand by their oath even to their hurt;
5 who do not lend money at interest, and do not take a bribe against the innocent.
  Those who do these things shall never be moved.

How does one prepare to enter the sacred spaces of the world, those places where the presence of the divine makes holy the profane? In many cultures there are a number of rituals one must undergo to purify oneself and prepare to enter the holy places of the world-those places where heaven and earth seem to meet. Even within the Bible there are places where there are actions that the priest must do to prepare for their tasks and in places like Leviticus 21: 17-21 and Deuteronomy 23: 1-6 there are limits placed upon who may enter the tabernacle or the temple to serve. Yet here, in Psalm 15, as is frequently the case in the Psalms and prophets there is no physical requirements, exclusions or cultic actions that prepares one to enter into the house of the LORD, instead the focus is on the way one lives out one’s relationship with one’s neighbor. Perhaps echoing this Psalm, the prophet Micah can say:

“With what shall I come before the LORD, and bow myself before the God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old?
Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6: 6-8

In contrast to the duplicitous hearts in Psalm 12 and those who say in their hearts “there is no God” as in Psalm 14, stand the righteous ones who speak truth from the heart and who honor and fear God are allowed to enter into the presence of God.  It is one’s life in relation to one’s neighbor that prepares one to enter into the temple or tabernacle, one’s life in the mundane life of community that is the preparation for the sacred encounter with God. Loving one’s neighbor and living as truthful and righteous people toward the community is preparation for encountering God in the promised communion. As Rolf Jacobson can state, “when the Lord extends an invitation for a person to enter the sacred space, God insists that one’s neighbors are also invited.” (Nancy deClaisse-Walford, 2014, p. 173)

This short Psalm has a number of phrases that point towards what a life that is prepared to see God’s presence not only in the holy spaces but in the normal secular spaces of life as well. Speaking truth from one’s heart refers both to a person whose speech reflect truly their own character but also their character is pure and peaceful as well. The refuse to speak of a neighbor in a way that compromises the person’s participation within the community but instead as Martin Luther can talk about in his explanation to the eighth commandment:

We are to fear and love God, so that we do not tell lies about our neighbors, betray or slander them, or destroy their reputations. Instead we are to come to their defense, speak well of them, and interpret everything they do in the best possible light. (Luther, A Contemporary Translation of Luther’s Small Catechism, 1978, p. 20)

While we may struggle a little initially with the language of, “in whose eyes the wicked are despised” there is a strong need for the community not to tolerate or ignore things that are contrary to the justice their God has called for. When we turn a blind eye or accept, for example, the abuse of children or the oppression of the homeless then we have also turned away from the God who cares for the children and the vulnerable. After wrestling with Deuteronomy and Jeremiah I’ve come to appreciate the urgency the people of Israel felt for attempting to create a society that lived into the vision God called them to. A trustworthy society where the words and actions represented the God’s dream for them and the world. A society where mercy for one’s neighbor was more important than profit one could make upon one’s neighbor by charging interest to them in their need.

The Psalm is a bold vision and a vision that is challenging in our time. It is a vision that looks at holiness in terms of how we treat our neighbors rather than some version of piety or orthodoxy. In this Psalm and in many other places, particularly in the Psalms and prophets, issues of proper attire or cultic actions are disregarded or at least given a far lower place than one’s relationship with the neighbor. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus can echo this sentiment when he talks about leaving one’s gift before the altar to be reconciled to one’s neighbor (Matthew 5: 23-24). In contrast to the previous three Psalms, where one finds oneself in the position where the wicked seem to be prospering, the Psalmist now returns to the vision of the first Psalm, where the LORD watches over the righteous and they will not be moved. Their words and their actions truthfully come out of their heart and even when their truthful words and actions or their willingness to stand with their neighbor causes them hurt they are not moved. They look at the world through the lens of mercy rather than profit, through the lens of love rather than acquisition and they are perhaps ready to enter into the sacred spaces of the world where God meets them because they lived a godly life in the secular places of life.

The Walls I’m Trapped Within

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Sometimes there are walls in my mind
That I don’t want to admit are there
Until I smack into them and they hold me inside
They block up my ears so I no longer hear
They cover my vision so I no longer see
And they surround my heart to keep me from feeling
At some point I created these walls and hid inside
And I stand on one side and you on the other
 
But don’t give up hope on me lost in my prison
If I run up against the wall time after time
Eventually the mortar will begin to fall and stones break free
Perhaps your story will slip to the cracks to my ears
Or through a broken brick I might catch a glimpse of you
Or like the wall my heart might wind up broken
And like the walls of Jericho the might come a tumblin’ down
So together we might stand side by side

Psalm 14- The Wisdom of Holding to the Covenant

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Jozsef Somogyi's statue of the Tired Man in Mako, Hungary

Jozsef Somogyi’s statue of the Tired Man in Mako, Hungary

Psalm 14

To the leader. Of David.
1 Fools say in their hearts, “There is no God.”
   They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds;
   there is no one who does good.
2 The LORD looks down from heaven on humankind
   to see if there are any who are wise,
   who seek after God.
3 They have all gone astray, they are all alike perverse;
   there is no one who does good,
   no, not one.
4 Have they no knowledge, all the evildoers
   who eat up my people as they eat bread,
   and do not call upon the LORD?
5 There they shall be in great terror,
   for God is with the company of the righteous.
6 You would confound the plans of the poor,
   but the LORD is their refuge.
7 O that deliverance for Israel would come from Zion!
   When the LORD restores the fortunes of his people,
   Jacob will rejoice; Israel will be glad.

In the ancient Middle East the idea of a godless world is unknown. However, in the Psalmist’s time and in every time there are those who functioned as practical atheists, whose spoken beliefs had little or no impact on their decisions throughout their lives. The heart in the Hebrew world view was not the seat of emotion but the seat of decision making and will. The heart is where actions spring from. Note that the Psalm does not say ‘Fools say with their mouths’ but ‘Fools say in their hearts.’ As the Psalm unfolds we see the way that the foolish actions are really actions against the covenant that God has made with the people of Israel. The LORD looks for those who are seeking the will of God. As Psalm 1 can state, “but their (the wise/righteous) delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law they meditate day and night.” (Psalm 1.2)

The fool is known by what they do and their actions reflect a betrayal of the justice that was considered essential to the covenant.  The book of Deuteronomy dwells frequently on the fear that the people in prosperity will “forget the LORD their God, by failing to keep his commandments, his ordinances and his statutes,” (Deuteronomy 8. 11) and the poor, the widow, the orphan and the alien will be denied justice. When the acquisition of wealth becomes more important than the neighbor then the people have forgotten the LORD their God. When the people turn away from placing God at the center of their day to day actions and decisions the result is the perversion of the covenant people. They are no longer the salt of the earth but rather they are corrupt and their corruption spreads to everything around them. The actions of the people have consequences for not only themselves, but also for the community and the very land that they live upon.

The language of the Psalm also reaches into the language of the prophetic. The dark line speaking about the wicked “who eat up my people as they eat bread,” reaches a fuller exposition in Micah. In Micah, speaking to the rulers who have turned away from the covenant, the prophet can say:

you who hate good and love evil, who tear the skin off my people, and the flesh off their bones, who eat the flesh of my people, flay their skin off them, break their bones in pieces, and chop them up like meat in a kettle, like flesh in a caldron. (Micah 3. 2f.)

And yet these same leaders may use their words to cry upon the LORD, but God will not answer them.

Unlike Psalm 13 which cries out for immediate action, Psalm 14 takes more of a tone of the inevitability of God’s action on behalf of the poor. The hearer is cautioned to take the way of the wise and the side of the poor for that is the side of God. God hears and sees and protects the powerless and the vulnerable. Those wise whose hearts are turned to God know that their actions towards the vulnerable and the powerless are also seen and weighed by God.

A biblical image that comes to mind with this Psalm is the ending of Solomon’s reign and the beginning of his son, Rehoboam’s reign. Solomon is initially lifted up as being wise and following the way of the LORD but in 1 Kings 11 Solomon’s heart is turned away from the LORD. When he dies and his son takes the throne there is already conflict within the nation of Israel, the economic policies of Solomon have placed a heavy burden on the population and the assembly of Israel asks for relief from Rehoboam. Rehoboam refuses to relieve any of the economic burdens on the people and the kingdom is spit in two, never to be united again. (1 Kings 12) The book of Kings looks upon this split as God’s judgment upon the house of David for turning their heart away from the LORD, even though God did not act in supernatural ways but rather simply didn’t sustain the reign of the line of David over the entire house of Israel.

So how do we approach this Psalm in our secular world that is influenced by global economic corporations? For me the Psalm speaks to the faithful as a way of remembering what is it to set one’s heart upon the LORD and how loving the LORD with all one’s heart, soul, mind and strength is linked to loving and protecting one’s neighbor. When we forget this connection we too can become corrupt and allow the community and the environment around us to become corrupted by short term economic interests at the expense of our neighbor. Entering into the prophetic worldview of the scriptures forces us to consider the impact of the decisions we make upon the life of my neighbor’s and especially the lives of the vulnerable.

Mosaic

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Mosaic from the parish church of Saint Michael and Saint Peter, Antwerp

Mosaic from the parish church of Saint Michael and Saint Peter, Antwerp

Looking back on all the pieces of my life
Is not like looking at a picture composed on a canvas
That brings together the palette of colors and shades
To paint a portrait of a person who emerges whole
Stepping forth from the dreams and imagination
 
Nor is it like a sculpture chiseled out of the stone
Seeing the beauty that rested within the raw resources
Standing unchanging and immovable once complete
Where the finished product is merely a skilled refining
Calling forth the potential residing within the granite
 
No, the artist who worked on my life must love mosaics
Being able to pull together the discordant colors and jagged edges
Patiently arranging the broken pieces to see something larger
Seeing something of hidden beauty among the broken shards
Using the mortar of life to bring together the shattered stone

Living Brave Reflection 11- Integrating Stories

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Mosaic from the parish church of Saint Michael and Saint Peter, Antwerp

Mosaic from the parish church of Saint Michael and Saint Peter, Antwerp

I’ve often joked that the pieces of my story don’t easily fit together in one life. I was a civil engineering major in college, an officer in the military, a seminarian and later a pastor. I lived in seven states in my adult life (which means I’ve moved frequently) am a father to two kids both very bright. I had to figure out how I would raise my son who is high functioning autistic and be a long distance father to my daughter after my divorce. I had to figure out how to date again in my late 30s and early 40s and then learn how to be married again after being single for five years. I’ve had to go back to the moments of crisis and learn from them, seeing the ways in which they knit together all the different pieces of the story. How the heartbreaks could lead to a new place of wholeness and healing and how the transitions became the opportunity for new beginnings and adventures. It hasn’t always been easy but overall it has been good. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without any one piece of my story, but my story is (hopefully) far from over and I have a lot I still want to write.

In many respects I am amazed at how far I have come. The journey has changed me in drastic ways but I am proud of who I have grown to be. I may not always be the hero in my own narrative, life is more complex than that, but I feel like I have grown wiser in the joy and suffering of my life. There are times where I regret the opportunities to show kindness that I turned away from but I am also cherish the times where I was compassionate enough to see another’s need and not to turn away. There may be times where I was an easy mark, where forgiveness left me vulnerable to being hurt again and yet, I wouldn’t change that. That is a part of the person I want to be, a person who can see the best in others and can hope to make a difference in some small way.

Perhaps the learning comes from the way in which I have allowed myself the grace to be the complex mosaic of stories and experiences and feelings that I am. Rather than trying to mold myself into some monolithic image to allow the plurality of facets of myself to be seen. Perhaps a part of the difference between the immediate emotion and the later understanding of the broader story comes in the forgiveness I can extend to others and me, in learning to be open to not just giving help but receiving it. Perhaps in learning the story of my own heart and claiming it I have found the courage to own my stories and to enjoy living with them not in some nostalgic way, longing to return to the past, but more as pieces of a journey that brought me to the place I am today.

 

Psalm 13- The Cry from the God Forsaken Place

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Job (oil on canvas) by Bonnat, Leon Joseph Florentin (1833-1922)

Job (oil on canvas) by Bonnat, Leon Joseph Florentin (1833-1922)

Psalm 13

To the leader. A Psalm of David
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I bear pain in my soul,
   and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
   How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God!
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have prevailed”;
   my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I trusted in your steadfast love;
   my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
   because he has dealt bountifully with me.
 
Psalm 13 is one of the examples used to talk about a Psalm of lament because it comes out of the experience of struggle and strife and calls upon God to act upon the crisis that the faithful one is experiencing. The crisis is not only a physical or emotional crisis but for the Psalmist, at its core, it is a theological crisis. The confident opening of the Psalter with Psalm 1 that sings about how the LORD watches over the righteous and the way of the wicked perishing is called into crisis by the moment of conflict where God seems to have forsaken the one lifting up this prayer. In the midst of the crisis the Psalmist cries out to the LORD and calls upon God to act.

This type of bold prayer, which calls upon God to act and to intervene, might seem unusual for many people. Many Christians were taught growing up that you didn’t accuse God or question God’s motives and that prayers were always to be polite and stoic. Although this view is common it has little to do with the Biblical model of prayer or the relationship of many of the faithful with God. Jeremiah, for example, makes numerous accusations towards God throughout the book of Jeremiah, Job also can cry out and expect God to act upon his complaints, and finally the Psalter is full of powerful, unfiltered emotions that are directed towards God and wrestle with the LORD who can bring about a resolution to the struggle. It takes courage to ‘gird up ones loins’ and stand before God in this manner, to be willing to accuse God in failing in God’s responsibility to maintain faithfulness and watchfulness as a covenant partner. The Psalmist views the relationship with God as pivotal for their life and if God turns God’s face away and removes God’s protection and allows the enemy to prosper and prevail then God is not fulfilling God’s part of the relationship. The Psalmist’s faith is strong enough to confront God that all is not right in God’s creation (Nancy deClaisse-Walford, 2014, p. 163) and that God is the responsible party to ensure that the righteous are protected and the wicked are punished.

How long, which is repeated four times in the first half of the Psalm is not asking for a time period but rather for an immediate intervention. It is a rhetorical device that is common in African-American preaching to increase the intensity of the expectation and hope that change is coming for the way things are cannot be sustained in a creation where the LORD is paying attention and is active. For example Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech in Montgomery, Alabama on March 25, 1965:

How long? Not long, because no lie can live forever. How long? Not long, because you still reap what you sow. How long? Not long, because the arm of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice. How long? Not long, ‘cause mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.’ (Brueggemann, 2014, p. 79)

How long will the Psalmist continue to cry out to God before God answers? The hope is certainly not long. In the God forsaken place that the Psalmist cries from they know that only the enemy’s triumph and the sleep of death wait for them. They are at the end of the strength and the end of their resources and despair is coldly creeping into their soul, and yet in an act of defiance the call out to their God to act on their behalf, to fulfill God’s promises and to rescue the righteous one from the triumph of the wicked.

The Psalm ends with a note of trust or perhaps, as many commentators believe, the Psalmist has seen God’s answer to their prayer. If the prayer is answered we have no way to know how long elapses between verse four and the final statements in verses five and six. Perhaps they come hours, days, weeks or even years later when the Psalmist now stands in a place where God’s face continues to shine upon them. Yet, perhaps the ending is not a triumphal as a final answer but the whisper of trust into the deafening depression of despair. From my own experiences there can be this type of internal dialogue in that place of hopelessness where one struggles with and for one’s faith. One can boldly cry out to God and call upon God to act in the situation. Even in that space where all one perceives is isolation there can still be that turning back to the foundations of one’s life. I have trusted in you before, your love has not failed in the past, the how long will be not long and even though I may not see it now I can trust that I will indeed sing the songs of the LORD again.

Living Brave Reflection 10- The Stories we Tell Ourselves

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The Storyteller by andrianart@deviantart.com

The Storyteller by andrianart@deviantart.com

The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity and creativity. (Brown, 2015, p. 82)

As a pastor I have learned the power that stories have in peoples’ lives. We all look to different sources to make sense of our lives, whether in popular culture, in religion, in politics, in science and work or in many other sources we are searching for frames and stories that help make meaning of our lives and experiences. We all tell ourselves stories to make sense of our experience of the world and some of those stories are true, others are conspiracies and some become confabulations. As the quote above from Brené Brown indicates frequently those initial stories may be told at our own expense or at the expense of someone else.

A recent, light-hearted example of this story telling at work happened this past weekend for myself and my wife. On Friday morning, during my day off, I was working on the lawn while I had the laundry going. My washing machine was replaced in the past year but my dryer is getting older and I knew from the noises it was making that it was having some issues (and most likely a belt). So on Friday I came in from working outside, change a load of laundry and start the dryer and while I walk away I hear a loud ‘Thunk’ and the drum is no longer spinning. I decided to finish the lawn while I think about what to do next and I imagine several stories (calling someone to repair the dryer, purchasing a new dryer, trying to fix it myself) and so when I finished the lawn I searched on the internet for instructions on how to fix a belt on a dryer. The good news was that there were lots of instructions but there were none for my dryer specifically. I started trying to figure it out, initially with a set of directions that took me in the wrong direction. I invested a couple hours into opening up the dryer until I reached a point where I was stuck. I knew I needed to take a shield off so that I could get to where the belt was but I couldn’t figure out how to do it and I was telling myself several stories. The first story was that I had just made things worse and that who was I to think I could tackle a project like this where I didn’t have any expertise. Surely a technician could have had this project done within an hour. I also told myself that even if I could get this fixed that the dryer would surely not work right afterwards and that I really should just go out and purchase a new one (an expense I really didn’t want to have at the moment). My concerns about finances started to surface at that point (I had an $800 car repair just the week previous even though financially I am OK, it is just one of the things that triggers anxiety for me). I finally resolved that the worst case scenario was that the dryer was broken and that me continuing to take it apart wasn’t going to make it run any worse so I went back, found some instructions that were more helpful and within the hour I had the machine disassembled (with pieces strewn throughout the hallway) and ready to change the belt, if only I had one. The nearest place I could find that carried the part (after driving to a appliance repair parts store that was now closed in the local area) was around 45 minutes away and because I had to pick up my son from school I didn’t have the time to make the trip until after he would be picked up. I had moved through the initial stories, but now came another set of stories for someone else.

So my wife was working that day and around 3:30 I text her, “What time do you get off work?” Now this is unusual text from me without any additional information but she replies back, “4” but I later learned she was beginning to wonder what is going on? So my next text was, “How close are you to Garland?” and she was working from a different location than normally so she asks her co-workers and they told her about 15-20 minutes but she is wondering what is going on and trying to make sense of these two texts. She shared, later,  that she wondered if I had found someplace that I wanted to meet for supper and that maybe I was thinking of a nice date night for the two of us (a good story, unfortunately at that moment not a true one). So when she texted back that she was 15-20 minutes away, my next text gave her all the information she needed for a true story, “Can you go by the Sears parts and repair center at 1617 Kings Rd in Garland. I will order the dryer belt I need but that is the closest place to pick it up.” Fortunately she was a good sport, picked up the part (knowing now that it had nothing to do with a date night and that the dryer had broken) and within an hour of her being home I had the dryer fixed and it was running beautifully and we could later laugh about the miscommunication and the stories that were made up.

Frequently the stories we tell ourselves are not as light-hearted as the one above. I know there are many times where I have taken the limited facts I knew and created a story centered upon my own fears of failure or perceived weaknesses. There are times where I have interpreted the actions of another person in a way that may have nothing to do with their intentions or desires but instead are the remnants or scars from when other people have treated me in the past.  Sometimes the stories I tell are simply not true, or not the whole truth, and I’ve had to learn to challenge the stories, to get curious to see if they are true, to try not to get trapped in a story that sounds an awful lot like my fears and insecurities coming to the front.